Am I Doing Enough? - Into the Mind of Productivity Anxiety

Am I Doing Enough? 

Into the Mind of Productivity Anxiety

Hello readers! Apologies for not posting last week; August is going to be particularly busy as I am preparing to move at the end of the month. Wish me luck!

“The time you enjoy wasting isn’t wasted time.”

- John Lennon.

    As I've grown older and therefore busier, I've often found myself staring out the window on a Sunday morning with what feels like a very heavy brick chaining my heart down, making my mouth dry and my stomach twist and turn uneasily. Half of my brain, the machine-like half that doesn't appear anywhere close to sputtering, stopping, and taking a break, is scowling vindictively at its counterpart, the moiety who refuses to give up my only day off in the week and just wants to go out, shop with friends, roam the city. 

    "Are you seriously considering giving yourself a pat on the back and a day off just for the pathetic amount of work you've done recently?" Half 1 scoffs. "You've still got a magazine to edit and turn in for publishing in barely a week! Have you even asked ___ to edit your second essay for the boarding school application yet? Don't forget you skipped yesterday's revision!  And the teacher recommendations! No. You have a mountain of things to do. You simply can't stop; don't be an irresponsible leader." Then Half 2 would attempt to chime in, try to stem the anxious flow of things-to-do that only seem to wire me up more, but to no avail.  

    "You're right," I think to Half 1, "I'm being so lazy. What kind of example would I be setting for my peers and younger students if I didn't complete my responsibilities in student government and in my clubs? I can't stop or the indolence will develop into a self-destructive habit. If I shirk my work, I'll end up so idle that I’ll lose everything." And on and on and on this self-deprecating, obsessive stream of thoughts would go, convincing myself that I would absolutely have to start from scratch again if I stopped for one day and that it would be much better to keep going until I've finished. I'd work through weekends and week nights with the singular thought that once done with the things-to-do, I'd feel satisfied. The work would be satisfied. 

    Unfortunately, the reality was like a brick in the face: the work never stopped. The things-to-do never end, not so long as I am alive. There will always be a list of works that must be accomplished, but edging on the brink of burnout every time I attempted to barrel through a long, long set of tasks inevitably resulted in corners cut and an unreasonable amount of self-frustration. It was also incredibly easy to feel as if I constantly had to be doing something in order to be someone, which only further contributed to my need to “finish” a list of to-dos. And while that was completely illogical, it left a void in me every time I wasn't actively making an impact somewhere, whether it be by honing in on my own skills or contributing to my duties. The mindset of constant productivity made my work and my accomplishments define me to a detrimental point, and changing it is still work in progress. But over the past few years, I've found ways to counteract the cloud of anxiety that workaholics often experience, and they’re quite effective. 

    One of the first steps I took towards alleviating my over-productivity was beginning a long-term project, one that would have me building towards something but also kept me busy in a healthy, hobby-based manner rather than a purely work-based one. My first initiative was this blog; it had me brainstorming, writing, drafting, rewriting, etc. and helped me process thousands of the thoughts I had/have bouncing around in my head. Whatever I wanted to write about, I could, and that was/is the beauty of it. Though I have since archived quite a few posts, I’m proud of the portfolio of purely passion spurred articles I’ve written (most of which were truly just word vomit). In a way, it is my version of a diary or journal—but public, of course. 

    As I’ve reflected more on the source of my productivity anxiety, I also realised that the imbalance in my life tremendously affected my mindset. Treating reenergising and resetting as optional, extra things had me pushing them off until I was practically suffocating in my endless drive to do more. Coupled with the fact that, as both a person and leader, I would often use others’ achievements to measure both my work and myself, I ended up becoming a literal robot that chugged away with the irrational fear that failure was always on my tail. The lesson learned: I had to think of self-care, whether it’s five minutes a day or a full Sunday off, as a responsibility to myself in order to function at my best. It’s absolutely easier said than done, but the discipline to do so is what healed both my imbalanced lifestyle and a large chunk of my mental health. In retrospect, it is always our psyches that are the most underestimated, and I am guilty of partaking in that misjudgement. But the only way to satisfy the itch that is productivity without exhausting your physical and mental ability to work is by balancing your lifestyle in the long run. Reenergising truly does not have to be a high-intensity task either—though it can be, if that’s what works best for you. Most days, my favourite reset activity is putting on my brightest pair of headphones (a striking, cheery shade of red), therapeutically clearing any clutter in my room, and—promise you won’t tell—acting like I’m the main character in a coming-of-age novel. All of this within the span of five to fifteen minutes, max (though the music usually keeps going past then). It is a simple, beautiful piece of the day that is for myself solely, and it also delivers me the motivation and mental battery to continue on. So for all of my overthinkers and overdoers whose bodies and minds are restless, try these sometime.

- TCP.